1.24.2008

For the writer-wannabes

Dear readers, in my vast travels throughout this galaxy we call Blogger… it’s come to my attention that there are several bloggers out there that fancy themselves as writers.

Fancy that.

It’s also come to my attentions that those bloggers need help… and so, I’ve compiled a list of helpful hints to assist in guiding those that need this assistance so desperately. Let’s face it, when it comes to writing – some people just have a way with words, while others, just… not , uh…. have that very, uh… way… with words.

And so, without further consternation, here: Have some help… courtesy of the Flukenator:

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat).

6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.

9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies either.

10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.

11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.

14. One should never generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
(however) should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth
shattering ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not
needed.

27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Sprint the horse around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

35. Always use a spell checker to avoid looking ignernt.

36. Whenever possible, use a poignant visual aide to assist in bringing your point across...



My point being: If you must write something, write it well.

Starbucker out

12 comments:

gautami tripathy said...

Thanks, I will keep this in mind, what?

LOL!

And I am one of the WANNABE writers, wouldn't you know?

Michele sent me to learn the valuable lesson, did she now?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Oh and be very careful about mispelling words, too.

Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

Yeah, gotta look out for mis-spelling and using hyphens to hide that you don't know how to spell something and are too lazy to use the dictionary.

http://tinyurl.com/yqw4tn

Anonymous said...

I must say, I do love an author who can so fluently get almost right to the point in such an elagant manner !

Nepharia said...

What's sad is that many writers don't those. Oh, and may I add one more? I find this especially true for online writing and chats:

PLEASE DON'T USE ALL CAPS. I CAN HEAR YOU JUST FINE IN UPPER AND LOWER CASE.

Vegeta said...

Huh. If only my spell check worked

Jodi Cleghorn said...

I have to cringe and admit to a couple of these things. Well one or two isn't so bad on a list of more than 30 somethings.

Thanks for the heads up. Like mobiles and 'text language' - now that's an oxymoron if ever there was one - we should not think that the publishing on the internet is an open seaon to destroy the english language and its construction.

Now how many of your rules have a busted here?

Thanks also for dropping over to my place ... shame there wasn't something more interesting for you to read - Thursday being a slow day for writing yesterday.

Jodi Cleghorn said...

ooops - got carried away and failed to pass on Michele's greetings to you.

captain koma said...

you know I do all of this. Really I do all the time. Maybe thats why your one of a few who read my blog. To go through it with a red pen and correct all my errors.

November Rain said...

LMBO

Another wanna be here that has those problems...

I write my books in Word doc and it always tells me
that a sentence is passive voice.

I have no idea what that is...

As for spell checker I have spelled things and have spellchecker try to correct my spelling, only to use a different word than what I was saying... Then suddenly instead of Please sit down... I have please sh!t down.. lol

k said...

Ugh.

Michele sent me.

Carmi said...

My high school English teacher would have been extremely proud. Almost every day, she would spend at least five minutes raging about substandard use of language. She had such passion for the world of words, and I have to admit it rubbed off on me big time.