Fuse the durn Spores

A meme?

2008-04-03T13:38:00.013+03:00

Crap.

List seven random things about yourself that people may not know. Link the person who sent this to you, and leave a comment on their blog so that their readers can visit yours. Post the rules on your blog. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, linking their blog. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Double dang. Does it have to be about me?

Why does it always have to be about me?

Ok... since I have nothing else to do - here goes:

1. I can't find Puerto Rico. I've been searching for months. And Jon isn't returning my phone calls.

2. I don't really have a twin sister, but don't tell her... she's sensitive about that. Last time someone even remotely suggested that, she was sick for weeks.

3. I was once drunk enough to mistake this for a hot chick:

4. I designed the original death star to much better specifications, but my plans fell into evil hands.

5. I was originally mentored by Sithur Fonzarelli, but he banished me when I started garnering more attention from his groupies than he was.

6. I wrote a manual for the Jedi Academy as a step toward my graduating from being the Founder of the New Jedi Order Wannabe to full fledged Founder of the New Jedi Order, but I've yet to receive my certification.

7. Elizabeth Shoo once seduced me to the dark side.

Click pic for animated seduction goodness.

Surprised?

well, how's this for a surprise, I'm not tagging anyone. So there.

So, can anyone tell me... which way is Puerto Rico?
Starbucker Out

aw, crap.

2008-02-04T15:35:00.000+03:00

For the writer-wannabes

2008-01-24T16:09:00.000+03:00

Dear readers, in my vast travels throughout this galaxy we call Blogger… it’s come to my attention that there are several bloggers out there that fancy themselves as writers.

Fancy that.

It’s also come to my attentions that those bloggers need help… and so, I’ve compiled a list of helpful hints to assist in guiding those that need this assistance so desperately. Let’s face it, when it comes to writing – some people just have a way with words, while others, just… not , uh…. have that very, uh… way… with words.

And so, without further consternation, here: Have some help… courtesy of the Flukenator:

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat).

6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.

9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies either.

10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.

11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.

14. One should never generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
(however) should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth
shattering ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not
needed.

27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Sprint the horse around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

35. Always use a spell checker to avoid looking ignernt.

36. Whenever possible, use a poignant visual aide to assist in bringing your point across...

My point being: If you must write something, write it well.

Starbucker out

the best Christmas evar

2007-12-28T15:42:00.000+03:00

The Flukenator raked in the loot this year:

Click each pic to see what's inside...

...a book I've been wanting to read...

...a nice tie protector...

...and a real necessity with a flavorful twist...

Now, check out the presents:

Odd, somebody wrapped all of them exactly the same.

...a new keyboard so I can more effectively communicate with my neighbors:

...a new cheese slicing utensil, because one should always be prepared to cut the cheese:

Here's one I guess I'm gonna have to return. I don't have any idea what to do with it:

... and here's a candle I'll have to re-gift... there ain't NO WAY i'm gonna burn it...

...and my favoritest present of them all - a new lunch box:

I hope you guys got everything you wanted and more!

Merry belated Christmas, and Happy New Year!!!

Starbucker Out

My own exotic trees of Christmases past and present...

2007-12-21T22:40:00.000+03:00

...Flukenator style.

I thought that maybe I could spread some Christmas joy to all you wonderful visitors - since this is the season and all for doing that.

Then I realized I was pretty lame at doing stuff like that, so I lowered the expectations of myself to something attainable, and I'm gonna put up some pics of some of the old Christmas trees that have graced the Starbucker Household over the years...

First, a simple one before our family hit it big in the boysenberry, whistleberry & dingleberry farming business:

Once we had hit the big time, we felt we were moving up the ladder of success, so the next Christmas, we upgraded:

Within a year of developing genetically modified whistleberry vines, we were really able to afford to bring home the expanding universe's advanced technologies, and so our tree followed along:

Then, dad made a very important discovery. He could make money from Spam, so:

BUt then dad got lynched in a massive shakedown. Turns out Spammers are hated across the universe.

So, ever since dad's been out of the picture, I've been able to put the Christmas focus where it truly needed to be all along:

Merry Christmas, everybody!
Starbucker Out

an appropriately named meme...

2007-12-18T23:02:00.001+03:00

it's all "Splotchy"

We lost blogging ability on the way to Puerto Rico while drifting around the Cape of Good Hope. "Why, Mr. Starbucker sir, were you drifting around the Cape of Good Hope", you ask?

Good querstion, Starbucker fans!

The answer? I DON"T KNOW, but I got freakin tagged in the meantime, so lemme clear this up right now, then I answer some more actual reader's submitted querstions laters, and then maybe I'll be in Puerto Rico, addressing the Poortoo Roopoo's sometime before the actual election, ok?

Alrighty, then.

The concept of this evil meme is explained, via Splotchy (whom I've never before heard of... I don't think... and now would've rather never heard of... I don't think):

Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out.

What a wonderful flippin idea! I left my comments and parts in white, so if you've followed the story thus far, you can scroll across to my additions. You're welcome.

So, it begins:

I woke up hungry. I pulled my bedroom curtain to the side and looked out on a hazy morning. I dragged myself into the kitchen, in search of something to eat. I reached for a jar of applesauce sitting next to the sink, and found it very cold to the touch. I opened the jar and realized it was frozen. (this was written by Splotchy, who then infected FranIAm)

"That's strange," I said out loud to no one in particular. My fingers slowly reached towards the jar again. My body experienced a wave of apprehension as weighted blanket covering me as I did so. The jar was completely frozen.

I picked it up and stared at it, my fingers stung with little knives of chill. "What the..." again I spoke aloud. Then I realized what had happened with a shock. Suddenly the jar flew from my hand. It shattered creating a collage-like mixture of frozen applesauce and glass shards on my kitchen floor, the lid lazily rolling to a stop across the room.(FranIAm's 2 cents, who then spread the BTD to Dr. Zaius)

I half noticed at first glimpse that there was something odd amidst the solidified apple sauce as I reached for the broom and the dust pan. As I knelt down to clean up the frozen mess, I could clearly see a tiny figure within the goopy mess. It was a human eye, with tiny arms and legs! I resisted my initial urge to pick it up with my hand, and then reached down to scoop it up with the dustpan. The eye looked up at me in horror and gave out a frightening high pitched screech as it ran for the living room.

I was dumbfounded by this turn of events. I didn't even like applesauce - And I had guests coming for dinner! It would not be proper to have a homunculus eyeball running around during the appetizer - I had to think fast. I crept into the living room so as to not startle the small creature. The eyeball was under the coffee table, peeking out from behind one of table legs. When I approached, it quickly darted under the couch!

I got on my hands and knees to look under the couch, but I could not see the eye through all of the old newspapers and dust bunnies that had accumulated under there. I had to hurry! the guests were coming at seven o'clock, and I had not even started the buffalo chicken skewers with blue cheese dipping sauce yet! Not to mention the couscous and the broccoli noodle salad. (Zaius then splattered the Splotchy to Jon, IG, otherwise known as the next President of the US)

I shook my head and leaned back against the wall. Surely this couldn’t be happening, surely there isn’t an anthropomorphic eyeball running around under my couch. It just couldn’t be real, could it?

“Ahem,” a little voice squeaked. “Ahem.”

I looked all around for the source of the voice. I finally found that it was from the eyeball peering around the back of the couch. I leaned in and looked at it closer. It still appeared to be uneasy (I mean, I’m sure that’s how it appeared, but then again I’m not all that certain about behavior patterns of walking eyeballs.

“Did you say something?” I asked it.

“You’re not going to poke me are you?” it asked. “I hate getting poked.”

“Uh no,” I answered dumbfounded. “I won’t poke you.”

“And you’re not going to lock me away in a jar of applesauce are you?”

“No, I’m not going to do that,” I replied, still bewildered by the sight in front of me.

“OK.” He made the eyeball equivalent of a nod, hitched up a pair of nonexistent trousers, adjusted the chimerical hat on his head, and walked up to me. “I am forever in debt to you, sir, for freeing me from the confines of that jar.”

“OK, sure,” I smiled lamely. “How’d you get in there?”

“The evil wizard trapped me in there,” he answered. “He knows the only way to trap a geneye is to use a jar of applesause.”

“You’re… you’re a geneye,” I managed to blurt out. I may not get the appetizers done, but this may be one heckuva party anyways.

“At you service,” it bowed. “And to thank you for freeing me, I would like to reward you with two wishes.”

“Oh, so you’re like a genie.” It all started to make sense to me now. No, not really.

“Yes,” it rolled its eye. “Like a genie, only we’re geneyes. They sure do know how to warp a good story in Hollywood, don’t they?”

“Yeah,” I agreed, again dumbfoundedly. “So I get two wishes? What about three?”

“Ugh!” the geneye slapped the top of its head, or the top of its eyeball at least. “You get two. Two. Only two. That’s how it works. And no wishing for more wishes, we’re onto that. Aladdin tried that once, it wasn’t pretty.”

“OK, so I get two, let me think,” I said thoughtfully. Screw the party, this is way more interesting.

“Yeah, hurry up, I don’t have all day,” the magical homunculus eyeball tapped it’s foot. “I’ve got places to go.”

“OK, OK,” I answered. Well, I could always wish for a lot of money, except that never works in the stories. The villain always wishes for riches and gets trapped in the cave with the gold, or sent to the bottom of the sea with it or audited by the IRS because of it. As much as I’d like to pay off the mortgage, I don’t think I can.

“Well?” it asked impatiently.

“I want peace on Earth and good will toward men,” I say with a forfeiting shrug.

“Peace on Earth and good will toward men?” it repeated. “Is that one wish or two?”

“One,” I replied. “You know, ‘tis the season and all.”

“Nice choice,” it nodded. Then the geneye snapped its fingers. “It is done.”

I felt it. For one moment, I felt nothing but peace and joy all around me. Others felt it, too but no one would ever be able to explain it. All around the world, people stopped what they were doing and just enjoyed the moment. Evil men stopped thinking evil thoughts and just smiled nicely. The hurt, the sick, and all who were in pain be it physical, mental, or spiritual, felt the warmth of a brief reprieve. Bells rang. Angels sang. Then I felt it end.

“Hey, that was nice,” I said. “Why didn’t it last?”

“Come on,” the magical being snorted. “I’m not that powerful. You got one more wish.”

One more wish. What should I wish for? Hmmm. (Thus concludes Jon, IG's overdone part. HE THEN TAGGED ME! so, here's my part:)

I wish I'da never been tagged.

The End.

Oh! Hey! That wasn't so bad. Maybe I could grow to like this meme thing.

Starbucker Out

Subsequenter post written to answer reader's submitted questions:

2007-11-06T16:04:00.000+03:00

Announcer:... annnnnnd we're back with LIVE! *hic*"

Data: "

Skywalker said... That pic... of Sidious... o.O Someone toss a blanket over his head.
and Dark Jedi Kriss said... LOL!"

me: "well, uh... believe it or not, I'm glad they aske-... er, mentioned this... . Sidious would indeed be better off with a blanket over his head... as long as it's not my wooby blankie."

Kelly: "Oh my! Ciera wants to know...

Yes...my question is: Do you need an intern? I'm a fairly decent navigator...we only got lost in Ohio once. I can make coffee. I'm not to good at oil changes though...apparently there's a dipstick I'm supposed to check? Well, I'm still learning that. If nothing else, I'd keep you amused..."

me: "Oh my goodness is right, Kelly! Jan, Intergalactic Aviator, whereever you are - your question in no longer the most sexually charged question submitted. I've never before seen so many euphamisms expressed in such a short blurb.

That said: Ciera, you should send a completed application and resume (with applicable photos) to:

Fluke's Saber & Helmet Polishers
c/o the Tri-Tentacled Xenophobe
42 Fluffer Way
Tamed Sarlaac, Tattooine
X6X9X

NEXT!"

Data: "Professor Xavier said...

Here's my question: What do you think the long term global ramifications will be
of Putin's flagrant stifling of democratic trends in the form (sic) Soviet
Union?

me: "Clearly Professor, Pootin's actions of bullying neighboring countries, silencing political opponents, and suppressing individual's rights are indeed 'stifling democracy' (if I may borrow your gently-put description) in a region where the people have been overly stifeled for far too long already.

While Pootin sets forth his own agenda of what is to become of the region, his followers are forced to follow, unable to protest or oppose for fear of their own lives and the lives of their families; Civil society in the area is constricted to the point of uncivility; Media freedoms are being quashed... and all the while Pootin himself is enjoying more and more freedom than at any other time in the history of his leadership.

So, to address your question regarding what I believe is the long-term global ramifications resulting from Pootin's atrocities:

We will all... each of us... everywhere on the planet... be forced to... pay higher prices for weaker Vodka.

Now, you didn't ask what my stance is regarding the situation, or for me to spell out my vision for reversing this horrifying trend that we're just now being able to recognize and fathom... so then... ok.

Next!"

Kelly:"Galen said...

My question is this.... How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
could chuck wood?"

me: "Uh...

Well, by my calculations... roughly 18, give or take...

Next!"

Data: Jewel Offee said...

Can you stil not remember anything?"

me: "Remember anything? About what?"

*looks around puzzled*

Kelly: "TX said...

(Sky-TX) When would you like to be terminated?"

me: "Oh, I'm ready and willing whenever you are!"

Data: "(Dr. K.S. Basil PhD):

Why would you want to be terminated?"

me: Have you not seen that Terminatrix? Hubba-hub... uh...

Wait... hold on... I DO get to choose the positi-... er, the method in which I'm terminated ... right?
RIGHT?"

Kelly: "Mr. Butler said...

What's your stance on paper?"

me: "I'm for it. I mean... have you ever tried to wipe your butt with plastic? How about a pine cone?... a rock? Man, lemme tell ya... paper's where it's at.

Next!"

Gelman: "Jawa Juice said...

Okay, I got few questions…

Where do you stand on the Sand Tax?"

me: "I'm against it and it's against me. After an otherwise nice day on the beach... it can actually rub me raw."

JJ: "In your speeches will you use syntax?"

Me : "yes, use I plausible are to syntax speeching whenever evermore."

JJ: "If elected will you impose a Sin Tax?"

me: "Only if I can create or otherwise find an exemption for myself."

JJ: "At the beginning of all your speeches, will you remember to do a sound test?"

Me: "huh? Speak up little fella..."

JJ: "Oh….and what really did happen to my chicken pot pie?"

Me: "uh... NEXT!"

Data: "F.O.O.F. said...

Oh great and glorious Fluke. He who is so much apart of our lonely and disheveled lives, He who brings us meaning to our day to day monotony of D&D and video games, Oh great keeper of the blast helmet and golden socket wrench, Oh merciful one who we know reads all our day to day letters to you, as well as all our homemade videos and late night phone calls and cards made of paste and macaroni and still has the time and courtesy to completely ignore us…Oh wise and wonderful Flukizmo….
if elected…Will you bring forth a national “Friends of ol Fluke” holiday?

A F.O.O.F. day where all can celebrate the amazingness that is you while getting
an extra day off from school?(And can we come to the inauguration?)"

me: "Next!"

Kelly: "and SHI asked a question we all want you to answer...

What is your opinion on the Kama Sutra scandal?"

me: "Shi, your question puts me in a very awkward position. This is a scandal that I have passioante feelings about, and yet I must control myself in regards to it. There's a real need for adequate balance over this issue. While I find myself quite rigid and planted squarely in the middle of it, I must strive to maintain flexiblity.

I hope this answer was as good for you as it was for me."

Data: "Optimus Prime said...

What will you do to stop this Decepticon menace once and for all?

me: "Oh, I've got just the thing! I'm going to invite them over for dinner... one by one.... and put them in the chair reserved for my "Guest of Honor"

the death chair, is more like it... click to enlarge

teehee

Starbucker Out

Reason for postponement of the subsquenter post

2007-10-31T15:05:00.000+03:00

Well, crap! I was hoping to be able to bring you the next post regarding the questions you've submitted, and then get back to the campaign trail... but I can't.

You see, I finally got my new computer the other day, but I'm not certain it's doing what it's supposed to be doing.

I was all excited and hooked everything up, and when I got everything ready, I was gonna power that baby, and get to answering questions. Well, I'm still gonna get to answering questions... and then get back on the campoaign trail with stops in the whirlwind swing states of Puerto Rico and Baja, California... but first, I have issues to address.

The powerup began simply enough... I pressed the 'on' button.

Simple, right?

Wrong.

Apparently, the 'on' button this demonic machine is equipped with, does nothing more than create a burning, yearning desire in me, to kick the holy heck out of some unsuspecting computer manufacturer's butt.

The boot up screen scrolled that little line for almost twenty minutes... long enough for me to prepare and eat almost 7 three-minute eggs. What? Don't you always prepare your eggs one at a time in a single file line?

But then, once it finally got done booting up....

This:

Well, guess what? I couldn't click the OK to continue... it had apparently experienced an unknown error.

I had to perform a hard reboot... already. This is a brand new computer.

This reboot at least went a little faster. I only had time for five three minute eggs this time around.

Uh, is it supposed to make that grinding noise like that?

Oh, look! It's up! There's no OK button error! AWESOME!

Ok, let's see wh-

!!!

AHUUUUR+GH!

ok,

oh, man, the mouse is frozen, I can't restart... I have to reboot again....

*reboot*

What's that burning smell?

... maybe I shouldn't have eaten those last 6 eggs...

Woah, hold on... Is the plastic on the front of this computer supposed to be buckling out like that?

Oh, look! It's up! and no OK button error... and...

YES! I can move the mouse! YES! Progress.

OK, so I just need to set up my internet account, and....

*click*

What the!?!?!?

Um... well, I'm really inclined to hit the "huh?" button... but It may be safer to go with "totally"...

Maybe...

*click*

Now what the heck is that!?!

Doesn't it know I'm not looking for ANY errors?

At least it's going to let me move along...

*click*

..........

*clickity-clickity*

HuH? uh, as if this thing's supposed to know me, and whethrer or not I've forgotten my meds!

Oh, wait... did I take 'em?

Hm, well, whaddayaknow, I didn't. I actually did forget to take 'em.

Sorry.

D'oh!

*click*

*type, type, type*

*click*

Ahhhhh, now we're getting somewh-

?!?!?

AW, COME ON!!!!

as usual, you can click to enlarge the pics.

O.M.G!

WHAT THE HECK!

*click*

Oh, no.....no

NO!

clickclickclickclickityclkicjcitittcktktli

STOP IT! AUAUGHH!!!!1!1!1!!>

*CLICKCLCCIKCCLCICLKCLCICLKCLICCKCLCKCLCICKLCICICICLKCLCIK!!!*

AAAAAUGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I give up.

*calls 800 number for technical assistance*

"Hello, tech support? What? Uh... please speak English... I SAID, PLEASE... SPEAK.... ENGLISH"

gah!

Starbucker out

Subsequent post written to answer reader's submitted questions:

2007-10-18T16:11:00.000+03:00

Part one of several... apparently.

Ed McMahon: "Hello, blog fans! Welcome to Worf's Hit Talk show!"

Ed: "Worf's Hit Talk Show is the only place where you can find the first part of Fluke's Subsequent Post Written to Answer Reader's Submitted Questions! The Response to Fluke's call for questions was so overwhelming, We've decided to have Worf moderate, and break the Subsequent post into smaller, even suqsequenter posts.

and now, Hererrrrerrereererreeeee's Worf!"

worf enters, applaudes quietly while looking over the audience like Chicago Bear's coach Lovie Smith, then takes a swing at an imaginary golf ball with an imaginary golf club, does a funky hand jive, and finally moonwalks over to his desk without a word of greeting or monologue.

Worf: "We've got a packed post tonight, so without further poodoo, please wlecome, Fluke Starbucker, Founder of the New Jedi Order wannabe and United States' Vice Presidential Candidate!"

*Applause *

Fluke strides out, waving to the studio audience and taking a seat. He sips something from a mug while waiting for the applause to die down...

WORF: "We really appreciate your being here tonight to answer questions posed by your readers."

FLUKE: Well, it's my pleasure Worf... although I'm not really sure how it's possible - you know, considering I'm en route to Puerto Villarta at this very moment... ogh wait, RICO! Puerto Rico! That's the place" *forehead slap*

canned laughter fills the studio

WORF: Without so much as a smile, and in monotone: "Let's get started... Heidi (from The Unzipped Times) asks:

"...can you tell me Mr. Starbucker, how will Jon and you deal with the radical
protesters, who have lived under unimaginable conditions, and are now marching
(in an ungainly waddler kind of way), in single file outside with signs and
megaphones yelling.....vote for Morgan Freeman?"

Fluke: "Well, Heidi, we shall deal with them calmly and peacefully... and if that gets us nowhere, then we shall deal with them swiftly and corageously... with our specialized army of seals, equipped with frikkin' laser beams attached to their heads. I am confident that with a little bit of seal persuasion, we will win the remaining penguin votes."

*Applause*

Worf:"Private Hudson said...

Yes I have a question.

*leans in close*

*looks to the left*

*looks to the right*

*About to speak, looks to the left again*

Does this look infected to you?"

FLUKE: "Good Gosh, man! GEt outta here with that!"

Ewwwwww...

*Applause and canned laughter *

Worf : "Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

Are you going to figure out the right name for the people you're going to visit?
Uh, 'cause, you might brush up on acceptable names to call people. I had a
friend in high school who was Puerto Rican, but I said I thought she was Cuban.
She nearly ripped my head off. Figured you should know.

Also, don't call
a Finish person a Norwegian, they'll slap you with a fish, unless you're into
that kind of thing."

Fluke : "I am well versed on being politically correct, Miss Hoidy-Toidy Anchor-Clanker. They will be referred to properly... as humans. Didn't you read the whole last post?

"Hm, I wonder if Jon needs me to campaign any in Finland?

"NEXT!"

Worf: "Jan the Intergalactic Aviator said...

I have a question, this campaign of yours seems to be as powerful as it is
unstopable. Do you prefer to refer to it as an "unstopable juggernaut" or a
"powerful rocket ride to the future?"

FLUKE: "Wow, that's one of the most sexually charged questions I've ever heard! I'll answer as a well-known former head of state might respond, 'I've got a powerful rocket right here that you could ride non-stop to the future, and it could either take your juggs-er-naut.' So, you see, the choice is yours. Vote Jon and Fluke."

*Applause, wolf-whistles, gasps, and canned laughter. *

WORF: "A Army Of (Cl)One said...

I believe the politically correct term is People with Damp Posteriors."

Fluke: " ...so noted."

WORF: "As for (AOC's) question:

Do you think it is better to raise taxes to line your own pocket or those of
your friends? (This is a very important question for those of us who consider
you a friend)"

FLUKE: "There are enough taxes to be taken that all friends can share the wealth... just don't expect the same proportion as me."

WORF: "November Rain said...she has a question:

Where is sprok?"

Fluke: "Sprok?... SPROK?... SPPPPRRROOOOOOOK!!! I don't know... I think he is watching and waiting for me to run out of material again, or something. Or maybe he can't remember his blogger login password... or he may have found other pursuits... or possibly a new partner... I just don't know...

I'll ~~try to remember his password~~ look into his present whereabouts for you, ok?"

... to be continued...

... and you may continue sending questions...

... or not...

... depends on how far you want me to drag this out...

... the choice is yours...

... vote Jon and Fluke...

Starbucker Out

Meanwhile, watching the Worf show from another corner of the galaxy... two particular viewers take note... and look at one another curiously....

The Arduous Journey Onward...

2007-10-12T17:13:00.000+03:00

...to the next place I'm going.

Well, here I am now, aboard my chartered Vice Presidential Campaign ship, The Investor somewhere off the coast of California between Alaska and Puerto Rico. I wonder why Presidential candidate and running mate Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator scheduled me to go from Alaska to Puerto Rico, and then come back to California? It seems like it would make more sense to stop here on the way... I mean, it's right there... but eh... whatever.

It seems I have won the hearts of, and more importantly, the votes of the walruses, sea lions, and polar bears in the critical wastelands of the previously unreached people groups of the untamed Alaskan wilderness/frontier. For decades they have remained neglected and ignored by their governmental leadership, but now... they are excited that their voice will be heard. I just wish I could understand a smidgeon of the wacked-out gibberish they spew when they open their mouths.

So, now, on to Puerto Rico, another political hotbed of inactivity in previous presidential campaigns. I'm gonna change all that, for the people that I love dearly, the people of Puerto Rico.

Yes, the people of Puerto Rico and I are close... those Puertan Ricols... uh... or Puertican Riceys... or whatever it is those wetbacks there call themselves.

Suddenly, a lackey with one hand on his ear turns to me swiftly, and with a twinge of overacted cheesy drama, blurts out this line:

Lackey: "Sir, we've just received word that the Emperor is in Pureto Rico as we speak, rallying the people there against you and Jon."

me: "Hmmm... tell me lackey, what is it those people in Puerto Rico call themselves?"

Lackey: "uh... human, maybe?"

me: "Very well, pull up the scene on the viewfindser thingy, and let's have a look."

me: "It seems he may be popular there... he may have a following built up... Ah, well, I shall convince them that Jon and I are the only way to go. Wait, is he even running for anything?"

everyone on board shrugs

me: "hm."

................

And so, onward we go. Slowly, but ever so slowly.

Whilst I continue my journey onward, I have come up with a hokey idea... so hokey, in fact... that it just. Might. Work.

Heidi of The Unzipped Times gave me this splendidly splendid idea. I must spread the message of Jon and Fluke to everyone! Including YOU, dear reader. It is because of this that I will accept questions. Campaign questions. Or, any other question you need an answer to. Please submit them. Once I have collected enough questions to fill a rubber boot, I shall answer them - all of them - in a subsequent post, to be entitled, "Subsequent post written to answer reader's submitted questions"

Goodnight, and seagull's speed.

Starbucker Out

Ich bin ein Nuisquteranian

2007-10-02T14:12:00.000+03:00

...I guess.

The lights are low...there is a hushed murmuring bustle among those in attendance... but then, as the announcer begins to speak my introduction...

Announcer: "Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,..."

... every eye is drawn to the podium in the center of the large stage... hoo, boy! This is it!...

Announcer: "...thrilled to have as our speaker today, VP candidate..."

This is where I'm gonna shine... this is where my trek truly begins... this is where the rubber will meet the road...

Announcer: "...so please, give a warm Nuisqut welcome to, "

...this is where the fat lady si-... No,! she'll uh... begin her recital... no.. she'll prep her, eh...

Announcer: "Fluke Starbucker!"

... and she might... have a bisquit... or something... or some crackers... that way, she couldn't sing... Oh, SNAP! He just introduced me!

Confidently I make my way from stage right and walk briskly - but not hurriedly - to the podium, smiling and waving as I go. I check my wireless mike, and begin.

me: "My fellow Nesbitians; lend me your rears. Do you know where this country is going? Do you know where this country will be...where it will end up... in our lifetime?"

Oh, I grabbed them good right off the bat...

"Well, with the current direction - neither do I. But one thing is certain, if this country doesn't know where it's going, then chances are, it's going to end up elsewhere... like Vienna, or some other place where the sausages are simply way...too... small."

ooooo, listen to that applause!...

"Listen, if you know you're going to take the wrong train... you should at least arrive early, right? Well, The other guys on the other political tickets are late!

...and I kick down the podium for dramatic effect!...man, they're eating this up!

"They don't even set goals! How can they possibly regret failing to reach goals if they don't even bother to set them?

"Jon and I... we may be the overwhelming underdogs, but we're backed into a corner, and someone's got our bone.

Wow, I've never spoken to such a receptive crowd!

"We have a good time, and accomplish things together, even when we're not together.

...they are actually awake!

"That's where we have the edge... you see, in D.C., at least 90% of the game is half mental. That's where we fit in... in the half mental game. That is why I come to you today, or tonight... or whatever it is right now... as you know, it gets late pretty early around here...

"Anyhoo, as I look out over this crowd... of Nestlequitan, uh... Eskimos...

"I see people with real concerns, and real troubles, and really, really cool glasses.

"I know your needs. I know your troubles. I feel your pain.

"And I am here to tell you that - if elected - Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator and I, Fluke Starbucker, Founder of the New Jedi Order wannabe will rid this once great township from that horror which has gripped it so ferociously...

well, poo, apparently you have to click for animation...

"Penguin bullies.

"Thank you, and good night."

I then exit to a roaring, thunderous applause...

Oh, crap,... my fly was open.

Starbucker Out

Embarking on the big tour

2007-09-28T13:58:00.000+03:00

... and satisfying a meme...

So, here I am aboard my 'Jon and Fluke for President' commissioned ship, The Instigator, headed on a whirlwind press conference/ campaign tour of three of (what we expect to be) the main turning points/ swing states in this election:

Some town in Alaska
Some Puert in Puerto Rico
And some place in California, affectionately known among the locals there as "Baja".

*cracks knuckles*

me:"Hey, you?"

Capt: "I'm your Captain, sir."

me: "Ah, yes, forgive me, it's strange not being the Captain myself, you know? Anyway, where are we and what is the name of our destination in Alaska?"

Capt: "We're currently in Harrison Bay...

"...and soon we'll be turning inland to reach our final destination of Nuiqsut, Alaska."

me: "What? Did you say... uh, what town, Alaska? Why would anyone name a town that?"

Capt: "Nuiqsut. I have no idea."

me: "Man, this place reminds me of Hoth."

At this moment, an assistant enters the room...

Asst: "Sir, we've established a satellite link for your en route Q & A session with an elite group of cadets who wish to see You and Jon totally pwn the highest office in the nation."

me: "Really? uh,... ok."

the room suddenly becomes a flurry of technicians setting up equipment. All are hurried, and a camera guy gives me the finger.

Wait, not that finger. He just points at me to let me know the communications are established and it's my time to begin speaking.

me: "Hello elite cadets!"

...silence

me: "Gooooooood Morning, elite cadets!"

whispers to techy: "Is this thing on? I can't see or hear anything."

techy: Well, the audio, is like... on. But the .... oh, wait a minute... here's a video feed now..."

me: "Hello? Hey, you there! Down there in the corner! The awake one... Hi there, I'm Fluke Starbucker, Founder of the New Jedi Order wannabe and candidate for VP of the US alongside Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator. What's your name?"

Sheila: "Uh... Connie. Why are you soooo freakin' loud? Gah, my head is killing me."

me : "Oh, sorry, is this better? so, are there any questions you'd like to ask me?"

Sheila: "Who did you say you were?"

me: "Fluke Starbucker? VP candidate, and FotNJOw? I'm here - en route to the first of a few campaign stops on a whirlwind tour - to answer any question you might have about me or my stance on any issues."

Sheila: "Uh, I am going to get full credit for being here, right?"

suddenly the screen cuts black. Leaving me to look around questionably...

me:: "Hhmmmm... interesting."

-------------------------------------

Well, I guess this gives me an opportunity to get this crummy meme thingy out of the way. Dog-gone that Jaina Solo.

Since I have to start pleasing constituents sometime: Here it is:

1. You have to post these rules before you give the facts.

2. You must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.

3. At the end of your blog post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

D - daring. I dare you to argue that!

E - energetic. See all the vim and vigor I type with? See? Well, can't ya see it? watch and be amazed at the gusto with which I now shall strike the return key - and twice, at that!

V - well, poo. I used both vim and vigor up there... so, uh, voracious? Yeah, that fits me well enough for one of these meme doo-dahs.

e - edumacated. I have a gooder edumacation than most others.

r - real. That's right. I keep it real. Why? Cause unreal is crunk, yo. Ifs I wasn't real, me and this meme mutha wouldn't be all up ins. Word.

e - oh, snap! Another e? er, es?... ergut?... emol?... estr?.... ergomol?... ergome?... ergonomic? Can I be ergonomic? Yeah, I'm ergonomic. Thank goodness for that edumacation. I'da been stuck.

u - Understanding. "It's ok, I understand, this ain't no nevah- neverland." Someone, please, name the song and artist.

x - uh-oh. ummmmm... xerunumenic. That's right, by definition, xerunumenic means that I have the uncanny ability to make up words on the spot.

Ok, I guess I'll tag the following:

J. Ranea Oneida, since she's been ignoring this same tag from CaptainKoma for weeks, anyway.

...and a mystery blogger, who will send it by way of email.... if they know what's good for them.

BWAAAHAAHAAAAA.

Starbucker Out

ps, Oh, and here, have some "Jon and Fluke in 2008" stickers and buttons, courtesy of JawaJuice. JJ, as usual, you rock. Also, as usual, the check's in the mail.

So, Fluke readers - Feel free to link me through them, or print some out to go on your bumper, or cat, or to cover your naughty bits as you dance around the house in just socks with the music cranked as loud as it can go. Yeah, I know you do that. It's ok, I won't tell anybody.

As ALWAYS, clicky clicky to enlarge, and sometimes, you just might find a surprise! Oh, goody.

Choppin' for a new Compy

2007-09-24T17:35:00.000+03:00

... worthy of a USVP.

So, I figure since I'll be getting a new job as VP, I should have a new compooter, right? Right? Well, can anyone out there help me? Cause this idiot at the computer store couldn't. Allow me to recap:
......................................................................................................

SALESDUD: "Welcome to the Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store. Can I help you?"

FLUKE: "Thanks. I'm aspiring to the second greatest office in the nation, and feel as if I need a Ultimate Super Duper Computer to play solitaire on."

SALESDUD: "Mac? "

FLUKE: "No; the name is Starbucker. Fluke Starbucker, Founder of the New Jedi Order wannabe. Perhaps you've heard of me? "

SALESDUD: "Nope. Anyway, your computer?"

FLUKE: "I don't want my computer. That's why I'm here to buy a new one. "

SALESDUD: "But would this Mac be adequate?"

FLUKE: "Gosh man, your grammar is atrocious! You should never place the name of whom you're addressing in between sentence subjects - even if they are only represented by pronouns - and their corresponding verbs like that!"

SALESDUD: ???

FLUKE: "...and I told you my name is Fluke."

SALESDUD: ???

FLUKE: ???

SALESDUD: "Ok, well then, what about Windows? "

FLUKE: "What about them?"

SALESDUD: "Do you want a computer with Windows?"

FLUKE: "Is that an option for a computer? Um, I haven't really considered them...I don't know. Would windows fit on a computer? I mean... I just want a desktop... What would be in the windows?"

SALESDUD: "That would depend on what you open."

FLUKE: "Well, the window, obviously. Ok, What would I see if I keep the window closed?"

SALESDUD: "Wallpaper."

FLUKE: "Look, never mind the windows. I need a computer and some software. "

SALESDUD: "Software that runs on Windows?"

FLUKE: "No; on the computer. I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses, handle Halo3. You know; run a business. What have you got?"

SALESDUD: "Office."

FLUKE: "Right, for my office. Can you recommend anything? "

SALESDUD: "I just did. "

FLUKE: "You just did what? "

SALESDUD: "Recommended something."

FLUKE: "You recommended something?"

SALESDUD: "Yes."

FLUKE: "For my office?"

SALESDUD: "Yes."

FLUKE: "Okay; what did you recommend for my office?"

SALESDUD: "Office."

FLUKE: "Yes; for my office."

SALESDUD: "Office for Windows."

FLUKE: "My office will already have windows. It will need a computer, which is why I'm here. Let's say I'm sitting at my desk and want to type a proposal. What do I need?

SALESDUD: "Word."

FLUKE: "If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?"

SALESDUD: "Word."

FLUKE: "What word?"

SALESDUD: "The Word in Office."

FLUKE: "Huh? The only word in office is 'office'."

SALESDUD: "No, I mean, the Word in Office for Windows."

FLUKE: "Which word in 'office for windows'?"

SALESDUD: "The Word you get when you click the blue W."

FLUKE: "Look, bub. I'm going to click your big blue W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words and windows in my office for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie on the Internet?"

SALESDUD: "RealOne."

FLUKE: "Well, yeah, maybe, I guess. Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. The point is: what do I need to watch it?"

SALESDUD: "RealOne."

FLUKE: "But if it's al ong movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?"

SALESDUD: "Of course."

FLUKE: "Great! With what?"

SALESDUD: "RealOne."

FLUKE: *forehead slap*"Okay; so I'm at my computer and want to watch a movie. What do I do?"

SALESDUD: "You click the blue 1."

FLUKE: "I click the blue one what?"

SALESDUD: "Just the blue 1."

FLUKE: "Is that different from the blue W?"

SALESDUD: "Of course, it is. The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word."

FLUKE: "What word?"

SALESDUD: "The Word in Office for Windows."

FLUKE: "Alright, toadlick, there's three words in 'office for windows'."

SALESDUD: "No; just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world."

FLUKE: "It is?"

SALESDUD: "Yes; although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other words."

FLUKE: "And that word is the real one?"

SALESDUD: "No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part of Office."

FLUKE: "Aaugh! Don't even go there. I don't want to get started with that again. Alright, I also need something for bank accounts, loans and so on. What do you have to help me with my money?"

SALESDUD: "Money."

FLUKE: "That's right. What do you have?"

SALESDUD: "Money."

FLUKE: "I need money to track my money?"

SALESDUD: "Not really. It comes bundled with your computer."

FLUKE: "What comes bundled with my computer?"

SALESDUD: "Money."

FLUKE: "Money comes bundled with my computer?"

SALESDUD: "Exactly, and no extra charge."

FLUKE: "I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?"

SALESDUD: "Just one copy."

FLUKE: "I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?"

SALESDUD: "No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money."

FLUKE: "Microsoft can license you to copy money?"

SALESDUD: "Why not? They own it."

FLUKE: "Well; it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?"

SALESDUD: "Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago."

FLUKE: "Well, what do you sell in its place?"

SALESDUD: "Money."

FLUKE: "You sell money?"

SALESDUD: "Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free."

FLUKE: "That's all very wonderful but I'll be running, uh... stuff. Important stuff. Like, I might have to account for somethihng. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting stuff?"

SALESDUD: "Simply Accounting."

FLUKE: "Probably, but it could get a little complicated."

SALESDUD: "If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B."

FLUKE: "MYOB? What does that stand for?"

SALESDUD: "Mind Your Own Business."

FLUKE: "I beg your pardon, Doodyhead?"

SALESDUD: "No; that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B."

FLUKE: "Look, I just might need to do some accounting for something, in the second highest office in the Nation. You know ..... accounting? You do it with money."

SALESDUD: "Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more."

FLUKE: "More money?"

SALESDUD: "More than Money. Money can't do everything."

FLUKE: "Look, I don't need a financial lecture from you, okay, Mr. 'Might-Be-Making-Minimum'? Let's forget about money for the moment. If I'm worried that my computer might uh, stop... uh....what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I do to restore my data?"

SALESDUD: "GoBack."

FLUKE: "Okay. I'm worried about my computer crashing and would like some way to restore my data. What do you recommend?"

SALESDUD: "GoBack."

FLUKE: "Can you not understand? How many times do I have to repeat myself?"

SALESDUD: "I never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack."

FLUKE: "How can I go back if I haven't been anywhere?"

SALESDUD: ???

FLUKE: "Okay, okay, okay... I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?"

SALESDUD: "Word."

FLUKE: "But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal."

SALESDUD: "No, you only need one Word - the Word in the Office for Windows."

FLUKE: "But that's three words in... oh forget it. Goobersmoocher."

...................................................................................................

I'm just gonna mail order one of these bad boys...

Click to enlarge and view in all its glory

So, anyhoo, I get back to this lousy old machine, and what do I find? a fracking tag from Jaina.

crap, I'll do it laters.

-Starbucker Out

Vice Presidents: Insignificant, yet powerless

2007-09-19T14:18:00.000+03:00

In preparation for holding the only office where I will actually BE something, but not actually DO anything, I'm busy reciting recently adopted mantras. Recite them with me to better yourselves, and one day, even YOU may get the opportunity to attend funerals of heads of state while waiting on your President to die.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

A person who smiles in the face of adversity...probably has a scapegoat.

If at first you don't succeed, try becoming Vice President.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.

the team

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

I waste time, so others don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

notice who is doing the real work here

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment

Starbucker out

And now, a special message

2007-09-14T15:09:00.000+03:00

My fellow Americans, I'm here today in support of two of our nations greatest treasures, Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator, and Fluke Starbucker, Founder of the New Jedi Order wannabe.

While I'm now relaxing and taking it easy, I still have a burning yearning to see this great nation rise to it's full potential.

When I think of Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator, I cannot help but think of selflessness and success. Just a few of his past contributions to society have greatly enriched this already prosperous nation, and made life even possible in many third world contries. Jon has - time and time again - selflessly given his time and talent - over and over again - to this great planet we call home.

Few people realize this, but during my tenure as President, Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator served as a behind the scenes advisor... but unfortunately, I only took his advice in those things which history will come to define as 'MY' greatest contributions to the world. If only I had listened to him regarding everything, world peace may exist today, or at the very least, peace might exist in my household. Perhaps foolishly, I sometimes chose to dance to the beat of my own drummer.

Plus, back in the early 80's, he tailored a fun, easy-to-do and simple workout routine specifically for me that gave me killer, rock-hard abs...

...and for that I'll be forever greatful.

But I'm actually here to discuss Fluke Starbucker, Jon's possible running mate. I will forever be grateful to him, for he assisted me as well:

Fusing Spores to rid me of a bighair curse that gripped me throughout the 70's... *bites lower lip*

Teaching me to fight...

...teaching me to dance...

...coaching me in creating a superhero alterego...

...and setting me up with some sweet, sweet potato chips every time I needed them... and a few assistants that helped keep my wardrobe, and other things in tip top shape... *gives thumbs up gesture*

Fluke Starbucker is willing and able to do all these things for you, too. But, unfortunately he cannot, without first being elevated to a certain political status which would allow him to preside over the Senate.

So, you must ask yourself: Do I want great hair? Do I want buns of steel? Do I deserve to be able to deliver a kickin' choreographed dance number? Do I want world peace?

If YOUR answer to any of those questions is "Yes", then THE answer is the Jon, IG and Fluke Starbucker ticket for President. Go over and urge Jon to choose Fluke as his running mate today. Once he does, I'll be able to offer my support to their campaign, even though Jon may not want it.

Whether or not you agree with me, my legacy, or my politics, you cannot argue that a ticket with both Jon and Fluke would be smoother than slick Willy himself.

Goodnight, oh, and don't tell Hil.

-Paid for and approved by "the Fluke Starbucker should be Jon IG's running mate for Vice Pres" campaign headquarters-

You! Yeeessssss, YOU!

2007-09-12T21:58:00.000+03:00

Go urge Jon, Intergalactic Gladiator to allow me to be his running mate in his campaign for President...

... or the borg gets it.

Starbucker Out

The Big Dream

2007-09-06T21:34:00.000+03:00

Fluke wrestles with his pillow, then lays his head solidly into it.... and dozes off...

,¸¸,ø¤**¤ø,¸¸,ø¤**¤ø,¸¸,ø¤**¤ø,¸¸,ø¤**¤ø,¸¸,ø¤**¤ø,¸¸,ø¤**¤ø,¸¸,ø¤**¤ø

HAROLD: "Hello, blogfans, I'm Harold Cosell reporting live from Fluke's bedroom. Welcome - to the much anticipated, much debated and much procrastinated 'Fluke's mysterious dream that may very well cure his amnesia' post. At my right is Hairy Carey, and together, we are bringing you complete coverage. Hairy?"

He turns to his left

HAIRY: stirring martini "Hello again, everybody. It's a bee-yooo-tiful night for dreaming, but... ah, Harold, I musht admit that-ah, I haven't antishipated thish post at all - and-ah, have heard no debates regarding it."

HAROLD: "Well, would you agree that it is indeed much procrastinated?"

HAIRY: sipping martini "Well ah, ...no, conshidering he hasn't actshu... actshoo... actua... hasn't really posted anything in the last year or so, up until just last week. Now, when he was in his prime, I would expect a post every Monday through Friday. But since his absence? I think we'd be lucky to see even one post each week. So, no. No procrastination detected."

HAROLD: "Alllllright. Well then, would you agree that the crowd of Fluke-groupeys gathered outside holding vigil outside have been awaiting this event with much anticipation?"

Fluke Groupies

HAIRY: "OooooOOO, yessssss." he follows his comment by gulping martini

Fluke, now sleeping soundly, snores softly...

HAROLD: now facing camera again"There is a growing concern among the throngs of Starbucker fans out there that he may never complete the full realization of who he is, and what he is called to be - namely, the Founder of the new Jedi order wannabe. As Fluke makes progress toward REM sleep, we now turn to our guest correspondent, renowned expert dream interpreter, Joobey Dooby Binks. Joobey, it's good to have you with us. What can we expect from Fluke's dream tonight, considering the dreams he's had in past blogs that you've studied?"

JOOBEY DOOBY BINKS: "Rhealsa, Whasssa reaves breen seeeeinsa, roooinasa dominasa rist rii roooo. Rrrrikesa oundlyee scrack! "

HAIRY: dropping martini glass "What the dickens did he just say? Where's the interpreter?"

HAROLD: "He is the interpreter."

HAIRY: "Well, booze, broads, and bulls**t. If you got all that, what else do you need?"

a big blue light in the background flashes dimly... Harold Cosell puts his hand to his ear...

HAROLD: "Hold everything... we're beginning to sense perspiration on his brow, this could be it!?! Quickly, let's tune into the patented Dreamoscope for a real time visual of what's transpiring in Fluke's Mind's eye."

HAIRY: "It might be... It could be... it is! A dream! Jooboo, step us through what we're seeing here."

JOOBEY DOOBY BINKS: getting excited, waving arms "ROh-oh! Missencoonda dobor roondosa ah bloondoosa raggy."

JDB giving commentary

"Deesa waaadly tee a broombad Admireealsa Rackbario boondar stupidita."

camera cuts to a visual

JOOBEY DOOBY BINKS: "Wrenda romeboden mesa resa reallenda umbulla glummmbadumbba."

camera cuts to commentators

HAIRY: "Holy cow! What could that possibly mean to Fluke?"

camera cuts back to a visual

JOOBEY DOOBY BINKS: "thumbussa foohooboo, blibbity chongcow narded."

camera cuts back to commentators

HAIRY: "Jumpin Jimminy! Hey Harold, tell me - Was Fluke's blog always this stupid?"

HAROLD: "Some would argue that it was, and sometimes, even more so than this."

Camera cuts back to a visual

and back to Binks

JOOBEY DOOBY BINKS: "Hombresoonda - est ROMBA doo pantinoosa muy muy rooey. Dali boonta islansa idiotica."

and to another visual

HOWARD: "What do You make of these mental images thus far, Hairy?"

HAIRY: "Well, I'm really shocked he hasn't yet used any of his old images. I think you can count on him doing that before too long."

HAROLD: "Mmmm-hm."

HAIRY: "Yeeeeah, to me, furthermore, this is all clearly influenced by the presench of shome short of drugs, or maybe alcohol, or maybe both. Or perhaps the absence of such. I mean the whole tired plot line of amnesia is bad enough, and I think Fluke's writers even attempted to explain a time lapse with that in the past. But to compliment the absurdity of the main character's amnesia with the prospect that these images have anything to do with his past is really simply an insult to all the readers out there. Either that, or a pure stroke of genius tainted by cold medicine in disguise."

JOOBEY DOOBY BINKS: "Ihewusssta wussta wussta wussta moroniton."

Fluke begins tossing and turning, prompting everyone to quiet down and watch him intently... then suddenly, with one last image on the patented Dreamoscope...

he is jolted awake!

ø¤**¤ø,¸¸,ø¤**¤ø,¸¸,ø¤**¤ø,¸¸,ø¤**¤ø,¸¸,ø¤**¤ø,¸¸,ø¤**¤ø,¸¸,ø¤**¤ø,¸¸,ø¤**¤ø

A moment passes, he realizes where he is - alone in his bedroom. He is parched. As he stumbles to the kitchen for a drink of water, he notices his blog is updated. Wearily, yet nervously and cautiously, he stumbles over to his computer and reads this blog entry...

FLUKE: "Well, crap. That didn't tell me much of nothing about me! Aw, poo. Now what do I do?"

Starbucker out

the questions arise...

2007-09-04T14:10:00.000+03:00

Early Morning

FLUKE: (to himself, after exiting shower) "¿Quiénes son yo?"

...........................................

(later, checking himself in mirror): "Как я могу не знаю кто я?"

"Дурн я счастливым!"
...........................................

(later, while brushing his teeth) : "murrrpfh, gurgle, mprrrrah.... gak. *spit*"

...........................................

(later, over his bowl of sugar frosted corn flakes and purple ketchup): "告诉我，我是谁。"

...........................................

Mid Day

(later, while lifting weights): "Comment est-ce que je sais quel à serrer, et quel à se desserrer ?"

...........................................

(later, while practicing lightsaber maneuvers): "Ich glaube gezwungen, um jemand zu retten."

...........................................

Afternoon

(later, while running into the dingle to pick berries): "Wo ich 50 Gutschriften für Meister erhalte Yoda?"

...........................................

(later, while juggling a bowling ball, two ping pong balls, an ignited lightsaber, a live gerbil, and a knotted bandana): "Que o heck é spores, e porque mim é compelido para o fundir?"

...........................................

Late Evening

(later, getting ready for bed): "Realmente lo accecherà?"

...........................................

(later, tucking himself in): "Wenn der grosse Thunfisch nicht es tun könnte, welche Wahrscheinlichkeit Jerry tut Jones Furt denken Phillips hat?"

...........................................

(later, laying awake, but beginning to doze off): "I wish someone could tell me."

then, there comes a dream...

2nd time around

2007-08-30T00:10:00.000+03:00

I once lived here, then I was gone,
I've come back now to carry on.

Those who knew me, knew me well,
Those who didn't can go to... uh, get to... um, know me, maybe - you know... now that I'm back.

But fo reals, I can't remember squat about myself. Does anybody out there know me? Care to shed some light? All I know is that I've got these two wrenches in my pocket, someone's lightsaber, a blast shield on my head, and really bad gas.... oh, but I do look good. Ded gum good.

Who am I? What is my lot in life? Why are my feet slathered in petroleum jelly?