4.03.2008

A meme?

Crap.

List seven random things about yourself that people may not know. Link the person who sent this to you, and leave a comment on their blog so that their readers can visit yours. Post the rules on your blog. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, linking their blog. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

Double dang. Does it have to be about me?

Why does it always have to be about me?

Ok... since I have nothing else to do - here goes:


1. I can't find Puerto Rico. I've been searching for months. And Jon isn't returning my phone calls.



2. I don't really have a twin sister, but don't tell her... she's sensitive about that. Last time someone even remotely suggested that, she was sick for weeks.



3. I was once drunk enough to mistake this for a hot chick:



4. I designed the original death star to much better specifications, but my plans fell into evil hands.



5. I was originally mentored by Sithur Fonzarelli, but he banished me when I started garnering more attention from his groupies than he was.



6. I wrote a manual for the Jedi Academy as a step toward my graduating from being the Founder of the New Jedi Order Wannabe to full fledged Founder of the New Jedi Order, but I've yet to receive my certification.



7. Elizabeth Shoo once seduced me to the dark side.


Click pic for animated seduction goodness.

Surprised?

well, how's this for a surprise, I'm not tagging anyone. So there.

So, can anyone tell me... which way is Puerto Rico?
Starbucker Out

1.24.2008

For the writer-wannabes

Dear readers, in my vast travels throughout this galaxy we call Blogger… it’s come to my attention that there are several bloggers out there that fancy themselves as writers.

Fancy that.

It’s also come to my attentions that those bloggers need help… and so, I’ve compiled a list of helpful hints to assist in guiding those that need this assistance so desperately. Let’s face it, when it comes to writing – some people just have a way with words, while others, just… not , uh…. have that very, uh… way… with words.

And so, without further consternation, here: Have some help… courtesy of the Flukenator:

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

5. Avoid clichés like the plague. (They're old hat).

6. Always avoid annoying alliteration.

7. Be more or less specific.

8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.

9. Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies either.

10. No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.

11. Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.

12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's
highly superfluous.

14. One should never generalize.

15. Comparisons are as bad as clichés.

16. Don't use no double negatives.

17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

20. The passive voice is to be ignored.

21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words
(however) should be enclosed in commas.

22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

23. Kill all exclamation points!!!!

24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

25. Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth
shattering ideas.

26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not
needed.

27. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist
hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.

30. Sprint the horse around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

32. Who needs rhetorical questions?

33. Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.

34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

35. Always use a spell checker to avoid looking ignernt.

36. Whenever possible, use a poignant visual aide to assist in bringing your point across...



My point being: If you must write something, write it well.

Starbucker out

12.28.2007

the best Christmas evar

The Flukenator raked in the loot this year:


Click each pic to see what's inside...

...a book I've been wanting to read...



...a nice tie protector...



...and a real necessity with a flavorful twist...



Now, check out the presents:

Odd, somebody wrapped all of them exactly the same.

...a new keyboard so I can more effectively communicate with my neighbors:



...a new cheese slicing utensil, because one should always be prepared to cut the cheese:



Here's one I guess I'm gonna have to return. I don't have any idea what to do with it:



... and here's a candle I'll have to re-gift... there ain't NO WAY i'm gonna burn it...



...and my favoritest present of them all - a new lunch box:



I hope you guys got everything you wanted and more!

Merry belated Christmas, and Happy New Year!!!

Starbucker Out

12.21.2007

My own exotic trees of Christmases past and present...

...Flukenator style.

I thought that maybe I could spread some Christmas joy to all you wonderful visitors - since this is the season and all for doing that.

Then I realized I was pretty lame at doing stuff like that, so I lowered the expectations of myself to something attainable, and I'm gonna put up some pics of some of the old Christmas trees that have graced the Starbucker Household over the years...

First, a simple one before our family hit it big in the boysenberry, whistleberry & dingleberry farming business:



Once we had hit the big time, we felt we were moving up the ladder of success, so the next Christmas, we upgraded:



Within a year of developing genetically modified whistleberry vines, we were really able to afford to bring home the expanding universe's advanced technologies, and so our tree followed along:



Then, dad made a very important discovery. He could make money from Spam, so:



BUt then dad got lynched in a massive shakedown. Turns out Spammers are hated across the universe.

So, ever since dad's been out of the picture, I've been able to put the Christmas focus where it truly needed to be all along:










Merry Christmas, everybody!
Starbucker Out

12.18.2007

an appropriately named meme...

it's all "Splotchy"

We lost blogging ability on the way to Puerto Rico while drifting around the Cape of Good Hope. "Why, Mr. Starbucker sir, were you drifting around the Cape of Good Hope", you ask?


Good querstion, Starbucker fans!

The answer? I DON"T KNOW, but I got freakin tagged in the meantime, so lemme clear this up right now, then I answer some more actual reader's submitted querstions laters, and then maybe I'll be in Puerto Rico, addressing the Poortoo Roopoo's sometime before the actual election, ok?

Alrighty, then.

The concept of this evil meme is explained, via Splotchy (whom I've never before heard of... I don't think... and now would've rather never heard of... I don't think):


Here's what I would like to do. I want to create a story that branches out in a variety of different, unexpected ways. I don't know how realistic it is, but that's what I'm aiming for. Hopefully, at least one thread of the story can make a decent number of hops before it dies out.



What a wonderful flippin idea! I left my comments and parts in white, so if you've followed the story thus far, you can scroll across to my additions. You're welcome.

So, it begins:

I woke up hungry. I pulled my bedroom curtain to the side and looked out on a hazy morning. I dragged myself into the kitchen, in search of something to eat. I reached for a jar of applesauce sitting next to the sink, and found it very cold to the touch. I opened the jar and realized it was frozen. (this was written by Splotchy, who then infected FranIAm)

"That's strange," I said out loud to no one in particular. My fingers slowly reached towards the jar again. My body experienced a wave of apprehension as weighted blanket covering me as I did so. The jar was completely frozen.

I picked it up and stared at it, my fingers stung with little knives of chill. "What the..." again I spoke aloud. Then I realized what had happened with a shock. Suddenly the jar flew from my hand. It shattered creating a collage-like mixture of frozen applesauce and glass shards on my kitchen floor, the lid lazily rolling to a stop across the room.(
FranIAm's 2 cents, who then spread the BTD to Dr. Zaius)

I half noticed at first glimpse that there was something odd amidst the solidified apple sauce as I reached for the broom and the dust pan. As I knelt down to clean up the frozen mess, I could clearly see a tiny figure within the goopy mess. It was a human eye, with tiny arms and legs! I resisted my initial urge to pick it up with my hand, and then reached down to scoop it up with the dustpan. The eye looked up at me in horror and gave out a frightening high pitched screech as it ran for the living room.

I was dumbfounded by this turn of events. I didn't even like applesauce - And I had guests coming for dinner! It would not be proper to have a homunculus eyeball running around during the appetizer - I had to think fast. I crept into the living room so as to not startle the small creature. The eyeball was under the coffee table, peeking out from behind one of table legs. When I approached, it quickly darted under the couch!

I got on my hands and knees to look under the couch, but I could not see the eye through all of the old newspapers and dust bunnies that had accumulated under there. I had to hurry! the guests were coming at seven o'clock, and I had not even started the buffalo chicken skewers with blue cheese dipping sauce yet! Not to mention the couscous and the broccoli noodle salad.
(Zaius then splattered the Splotchy to Jon, IG, otherwise known as the next President of the US)

I shook my head and leaned back against the wall. Surely this couldn’t be happening, surely there isn’t an anthropomorphic eyeball running around under my couch. It just couldn’t be real, could it?

“Ahem,” a little voice squeaked. “Ahem.”

I looked all around for the source of the voice. I finally found that it was from the eyeball peering around the back of the couch. I leaned in and looked at it closer. It still appeared to be uneasy (I mean, I’m sure that’s how it appeared, but then again I’m not all that certain about behavior patterns of walking eyeballs.

“Did you say something?” I asked it.

“You’re not going to poke me are you?” it asked. “I hate getting poked.”

“Uh no,” I answered dumbfounded. “I won’t poke you.”

“And you’re not going to lock me away in a jar of applesauce are you?”

“No, I’m not going to do that,” I replied, still bewildered by the sight in front of me.

“OK.” He made the eyeball equivalent of a nod, hitched up a pair of nonexistent trousers, adjusted the chimerical hat on his head, and walked up to me. “I am forever in debt to you, sir, for freeing me from the confines of that jar.”

“OK, sure,” I smiled lamely. “How’d you get in there?”

“The evil wizard trapped me in there,” he answered. “He knows the only way to trap a geneye is to use a jar of applesause.”

“You’re… you’re a geneye,” I managed to blurt out. I may not get the appetizers done, but this may be one heckuva party anyways.

“At you service,” it bowed. “And to thank you for freeing me, I would like to reward you with two wishes.”

“Oh, so you’re like a genie.” It all started to make sense to me now. No, not really.

“Yes,” it rolled its eye. “Like a genie, only we’re geneyes. They sure do know how to warp a good story in Hollywood, don’t they?”

“Yeah,” I agreed, again dumbfoundedly. “So I get two wishes? What about three?”

“Ugh!” the geneye slapped the top of its head, or the top of its eyeball at least. “You get two. Two. Only two. That’s how it works. And no wishing for more wishes, we’re onto that. Aladdin tried that once, it wasn’t pretty.”

“OK, so I get two, let me think,” I said thoughtfully. Screw the party, this is way more interesting.

“Yeah, hurry up, I don’t have all day,” the magical homunculus eyeball tapped it’s foot. “I’ve got places to go.”

“OK, OK,” I answered. Well, I could always wish for a lot of money, except that never works in the stories. The villain always wishes for riches and gets trapped in the cave with the gold, or sent to the bottom of the sea with it or audited by the IRS because of it. As much as I’d like to pay off the mortgage, I don’t think I can.

“Well?” it asked impatiently.

“I want peace on Earth and good will toward men,” I say with a forfeiting shrug.

“Peace on Earth and good will toward men?” it repeated. “Is that one wish or two?”

“One,” I replied. “You know, ‘tis the season and all.”

“Nice choice,” it nodded. Then the geneye snapped its fingers. “It is done.”

I felt it. For one moment, I felt nothing but peace and joy all around me. Others felt it, too but no one would ever be able to explain it. All around the world, people stopped what they were doing and just enjoyed the moment. Evil men stopped thinking evil thoughts and just smiled nicely. The hurt, the sick, and all who were in pain be it physical, mental, or spiritual, felt the warmth of a brief reprieve. Bells rang. Angels sang. Then I felt it end.

“Hey, that was nice,” I said. “Why didn’t it last?”

“Come on,” the magical being snorted. “I’m not that powerful. You got one more wish.”

One more wish. What should I wish for? Hmmm.
(Thus concludes Jon, IG's overdone part. HE THEN TAGGED ME! so, here's my part:)


I wish I'da never been tagged.

The End.


Oh! Hey! That wasn't so bad. Maybe I could grow to like this meme thing.

Starbucker Out

11.06.2007

Subsequenter post written to answer reader's submitted questions:

Announcer:... annnnnnd we're back with LIVE! *hic*"




Data: "

Skywalker said... That pic... of Sidious... o.O Someone toss a blanket over his head.

and Dark Jedi Kriss said... LOL!"

me: "well, uh... believe it or not, I'm glad they aske-... er, mentioned this... . Sidious would indeed be better off with a blanket over his head... as long as it's not my wooby blankie."

Kelly: "Oh my! Ciera wants to know...

Yes...my question is: Do you need an intern? I'm a fairly decent navigator...we only got lost in Ohio once. I can make coffee. I'm not to good at oil changes though...apparently there's a dipstick I'm supposed to check? Well, I'm still learning that. If nothing else, I'd keep you amused..."

me: "Oh my goodness is right, Kelly! Jan, Intergalactic Aviator, whereever you are - your question in no longer the most sexually charged question submitted. I've never before seen so many euphamisms expressed in such a short blurb.

That said: Ciera, you should send a completed application and resume (with applicable photos) to:

Fluke's Saber & Helmet Polishers
c/o the Tri-Tentacled Xenophobe
42 Fluffer Way
Tamed Sarlaac, Tattooine
X6X9X

NEXT!"

Data: "Professor Xavier said...

Here's my question: What do you think the long term global ramifications will be
of Putin's flagrant stifling of democratic trends in the form (sic) Soviet
Union?

me: "Clearly Professor, Pootin's actions of bullying neighboring countries, silencing political opponents, and suppressing individual's rights are indeed 'stifling democracy' (if I may borrow your gently-put description) in a region where the people have been overly stifeled for far too long already.

While Pootin sets forth his own agenda of what is to become of the region, his followers are forced to follow, unable to protest or oppose for fear of their own lives and the lives of their families; Civil society in the area is constricted to the point of uncivility; Media freedoms are being quashed... and all the while Pootin himself is enjoying more and more freedom than at any other time in the history of his leadership.

So, to address your question regarding what I believe is the long-term global ramifications resulting from Pootin's atrocities:

We will all... each of us... everywhere on the planet... be forced to... pay higher prices for weaker Vodka.

Now, you didn't ask what my stance is regarding the situation, or for me to spell out my vision for reversing this horrifying trend that we're just now being able to recognize and fathom... so then... ok.

Next!"

Kelly:"Galen said...
My question is this.... How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck
could chuck wood?"

me: "Uh...

Well, by my calculations... roughly 18, give or take...

Next!"

Data: Jewel Offee said...

Can you stil not remember anything?"

me: "Remember anything? About what?"

*looks around puzzled*

Kelly: "TX said...

(Sky-TX) When would you like to be terminated?"

me: "Oh, I'm ready and willing whenever you are!"

Data: "(Dr. K.S. Basil PhD):

Why would you want to be terminated?"

me: Have you not seen that Terminatrix? Hubba-hub... uh...

Wait... hold on... I DO get to choose the positi-... er, the method in which I'm terminated ... right?
RIGHT?"

Kelly: "Mr. Butler said...

What's your stance on paper?"


me: "I'm for it. I mean... have you ever tried to wipe your butt with plastic? How about a pine cone?... a rock? Man, lemme tell ya... paper's where it's at.

Next!"

Gelman: "Jawa Juice said...

Okay, I got few questions…

Where do you stand on the Sand Tax?"

me: "I'm against it and it's against me. After an otherwise nice day on the beach... it can actually rub me raw."

JJ: "In your speeches will you use syntax?"

Me : "yes, use I plausible are to syntax speeching whenever evermore."

JJ: "If elected will you impose a Sin Tax?"

me: "Only if I can create or otherwise find an exemption for myself."

JJ: "At the beginning of all your speeches, will you remember to do a sound test?"

Me: "huh? Speak up little fella..."

JJ: "Oh….and what really did happen to my chicken pot pie?"

Me: "uh... NEXT!"

Data: "F.O.O.F. said...

Oh great and glorious Fluke. He who is so much apart of our lonely and disheveled lives, He who brings us meaning to our day to day monotony of D&D and video games, Oh great keeper of the blast helmet and golden socket wrench, Oh merciful one who we know reads all our day to day letters to you, as well as all our homemade videos and late night phone calls and cards made of paste and macaroni and still has the time and courtesy to completely ignore us…Oh wise and wonderful Flukizmo….
if elected…Will you bring forth a national “Friends of ol Fluke” holiday?
A F.O.O.F. day where all can celebrate the amazingness that is you while getting
an extra day off from school?(And can we come to the inauguration?)"

me: "Next!"

Kelly: "and SHI asked a question we all want you to answer...

What is your opinion on the Kama Sutra scandal?"

me: "Shi, your question puts me in a very awkward position. This is a scandal that I have passioante feelings about, and yet I must control myself in regards to it. There's a real need for adequate balance over this issue. While I find myself quite rigid and planted squarely in the middle of it, I must strive to maintain flexiblity.

I hope this answer was as good for you as it was for me."

Data: "Optimus Prime said...

What will you do to stop this Decepticon menace once and for all?

me: "Oh, I've got just the thing! I'm going to invite them over for dinner... one by one.... and put them in the chair reserved for my "Guest of Honor"

the death chair, is more like it... click to enlarge

teehee

Starbucker Out